How to Communicate Clearly and Effectively with Your Teenager
Written by: Erica Battle
When we as parents think about the joys of parenthood, communication with our teen probably ranks at the bottom. Communicating with this young person who is trying to find their voice and exercise some independence can be as daunting of a task as watching paint dry.
You can either have a teen that won’t open up and talk at all, the teen who tunes you out completely, or the teen who lashes out because they are angry and don’t agree with something you said which leaves us searching on what to do next.
As a mom who has raised two sons through the teenage years and with one currently in the teen years (16 to be exact), I can tell you it does get better you just have to be patient.
Below are five tips that can help you improve how you and your teen communicate.
Start Early
Good communication does not start in the teen years, but it begins as soon as your child can talk. As parents we naturally encourage and coach our babies through their first words so coaching them through self-expression should begin in early childhood as well. Establishing a rapport early on in your teen's life - before he or she is a teen - can make communication much easier when the teen years roll around. Conversation will not seemed forced or awkward, and your teen will come to appreciate (they may not show it) the opportunity to talk with you during those critical times.
If your child is already in the teen years, it's not too late. It will take some effort and lots of patience but communicating effectively with your teen is possible by establishing a relationship with your teen.
It’s hard to talk with someone that you don’t have an authentic relationship with so keep that in mind when you are looking to talk with your teen about sensitive issues.
Delay Your Response
Sometimes parents respond automatically, without really thinking. Those response are usually prompted by a less than tactful comment from our teen that is meant to invoke emotion. Teens are smart and they know how to trigger their parents to see if they communication is genuine or if it is a superficial.
Be careful not to give your teen a reason to shut down or accuse you of being judgmental as they navigate these crucial years of their life.
Instead of providing an immediate response, you may want to call a time-out so you can process what was said and formulate a response. As the parent you should set some boundaries when communicating with your teen so when things get intense each person has an opportunity to call a time-out to cool down.
Don't Argue with Emotions
One of the most basic, helpful, and at the same time difficult things for parents to accept is that emotions are not wrong. It's perfectly okay to have rules about what is an acceptable expression of emotion and what isn't, but the emotion itself should not be criticized.
If your teen expresses strong feelings like hate, it may be tempting to react with shock, telling your teen that is not acceptable. Instead, ask your teen why he or she has such strong feelings and find out what's going on. After you've listened, then you can discuss how hate is a really powerful and potentially destructive feeling.
Practice Good Listening Skills
It's easy for parents to get so busy that we just don't really listen. We get wrapped up in our own musings and thoughts, and tend to tune out our teens and then wonder why they tune us out! Really try to listen, making eye contact and acknowledging what they say by repeating a summary of what your teen just said back to them.
Good listening should be non-judgmental. Ask questions that show you are interested and really hearing what your teen is saying. If you listen, your teen will probably be more likely to listen to you. Thus, communication is enhanced both ways.
Encourage Problem Solving
Ask your teen questions about what he or she is struggling with, and see if you can guide him or her around to a solution. For example, your teen may be extremely angry with a particular teacher or friend. Find out why by asking calm, non-judgmental questions. Then, ask your teen what he or she plans to do about it, and help him or her think of something if need be.
Don't just tell your teen what to do; the point of this is to encourage your teen to think of the solution on his or her own with you acting as a sounding board.
Effective communication does not just happen and it may take months and even years of practicing the above tips before communication with your teen improves. The important thing is that you continue to be patient and not check out even when times are hard.
Yes, there will be times when you and your teen may need some space, but that space should never become permanent. Remember if your teen feels they can’t talk to you, they will find someone to talk to.
Good Luck and All the Best!
Erica
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